Mit ego blev min viseste ven

Indledning

Jeg husker at jeg sad i det smukkeste oktogonale meditationsrum i et buddhistisk center, dybt ude i skovene i Oregon. Rummet var højt til loftet, åbent og lyst, med vinduer hele vejen rundt — selv i loftet — så himlen, træerne og lyset kunne strømme frit ind. Naturen var overalt, både udenfor og indeni os.

Udenfor faldt regnen. Blid, rytmisk og vedholdende. Som om den vaskede noget gammelt væk. Som om den rensede det, der ikke længere var nødvendigt at bære.

Vi var samlet til kirtan — ledet af Tina Malia, som med sin smukke stemme og sit blide sind guidede os dybere og dybere ind i Kirtan Yogaens lyd praksis. Mantraerne bar os. Åndedrættet åbnede sig. Noget i mig gav slip.

Det var her — midt i lyden, i fællesskabet, i regnens puls — at disse ord væltede ud af mig. Sammen med tårerne. I takt med regnen.

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My Ego and I sat down together at the edge of a grand expansive vista and laughed. We laughed and laughed and laughed until the waters of our shared river that traverses our inner feeling landscape flowed salty and sweet from our eyes.

We laughed and laughed and laughed until our whole being ached with joy. We laughed and it echoed into the vast expansiveness of the multi-verse, this delightful, giggling, tickling, tingling sound of laughter spreading all around us and holding us gently in a moment of complete shared presence … And we turned to look at each other with those salty sweet smiling eyes, seeing for the first time all the colors of that infinite horizon, and we held out our hands to each other and there was truly peace.

I have been immersed in my ‘ego work’ for what seems like centuries now … working working working, always working … hard, intense, and unrelenting to dismantle that ego structure of mine, so that I may be in true selfless heart-service to the multi-verse; so that I may step into the true sacred space of compassion and empathy; so that I may be the best, most positive me I can possibly be! And I am exhausted and feeling like I am climbing up, two steps forward one step sliding back, in the Black Sands of Haleakala in a stiff headwind, getting almost nowhere.

There are many words for the myriad of ways to express what I have attempted to achieve during all those years of deconstruction. I have disowned; been in resistance to; outright battled, scolded, ignored; hidden it – aka my ego – away in my shadow; placated, chanted to, and nursed it as if it was an infant or a sick feeble elder; written about it, journeyed to it and away from it; renamed it, accepted it (not really!), and the list goes on and on, that I know, even as I cannot bring it all to mind now.

And never ever ever, not until this very moment, sitting in this sacred heart-opening practice of Kirtan, facing once more my harsh judgments and that contracting ego-state-of-being that comes with them, have I simply sat down with my old friend and travel companion, at the edge of this vast grand expansive Vista of Life and shared laughter and tears.

I, now, feel and taste, sing and see, that which my brain has intellectually attempted to inform me of for many moons, that we are simply merry companions on that same journey through this infinitely mysterious multi-verse. Nothing more … nothing less.

And so, I have finally expressed my profound gratitude and deep thanks to my Ego from my loving open heart for all the times it has watched out for me, and kept me safe and out of harm’s way.  And there is delightful peace and sweet coexistence; and most of all there is the joyfully shared echoing expansive tinkles of laughter reverberating within and all around.

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Måske er dette også en invitation til dig — til bare for et øjeblik at sætte dig ned med dit eget ego, ikke for at ændre det, men for at lytte, le, græde og opdage, hvad der kan opstå, når intet længere skal kæmpes væk.